Sometimes.

Today, Mr. Red was in a rare mood. His eyes had a special flare. His smile was extra charming. My insides were on fire, more than usual. I don’t know why; I can’t explain why today was different. There have been days like these before. But you guys don’t know that. His moods are like a rollercoaster. I used to let his mood affect me. If he didn’t glance up at me as much, my day wouldn’t be as good. Now, I know he’s just moody. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m thinking right now. I’m confused. But lusting.

At first, and still.

It was years ago when I first noticed him. A colleague, but I know that I can’t speak his real name here, so I’ll call him Mr. Red. He was the kind of person that you notice and think “wow, god, he’s handsome”…then take your time looking at him as inconspicuously as possible as he walks away. I had a small “stare at him as often as possible” crush for a month or so at first, but then it was “out of sight, out of mind.”

Another man took his place. I’ll call him Mr. Blue. Also a colleague, both of mine and Mr Red actually. We knew each other by attending church on Sundays, and by sitting next to each other at work. (I no longer attend that church, by the way, because of other reasons I will probably get into later.) Mr. Blue was a terrible, terrible flirt. And by that I mean he was terribly good at getting me to squirm in my seat. The things he said to me sometimes would get me excited enough to want to claw him to pieces right in the office. He knew it, too. And I returned the favor. I said things to him that I knew made him desire me to such an extreme extent that we had to start ignoring each other for fear that things would go too far. But eventually things would start back up again…the words of want and desire. What we would do to each other if we had the chance. At one point, after I stayed over at a hotel for a mutual friends birthday party, he picked me up the next morning, took me to breakfast, and we went and decorated his new apartment. During our shopping adventure that day, the sexual tension was so high, and the intentional “bump” or “caress” was definitely noticed. We never had sex. But we were damn near close to kissing. Among other things. You can pretty much guess.

Things with Mr. Blue, after that night when things ended up not “happening”, kind of slowed down. I moved my desk at work, and I think that had a great deal to do with things cooling off. Not being so near to him didn’t make me lust after him so much, nor him for me.

However, my desk was moved right in front of good old Mr. Red. I was actually sitting right in front of him, so when I looked over my computer screen, it was his face I was looking at. Good Lord up above, what did I do to deserve this?

Mr. Red is the most gorgeous man in the building.

Built lean, strong body, great ass, strong chin, salt and pepper hair. Older, which is typically what I go for. I have no idea why that is.

Well, Mr. Red started right in on me as soon as I “moved in”, so-to-speak. He sent me messages, was a terrible (pathetically awkward) flirt, and consistently told me how beautiful I was. Believe me, I didn’t mind. He was complete and total eye-candy. The kind that I felt like I could taste in my mouth. I could see myself totally getting lost in him. I found it incredible of myself that I could feel this way all day….looking up over my computer screen and see him looking at me, make eye contact, and feeling a pull at my loins….and still manage to go home from work every night, to my husband and child, and be truly loving and adoring. Not faking that part of me even a little.  I found myself getting very confused. Mr. Red started to message me at home, and ask me more personal questions. Wanted me to tell me more about myself. I was getting sucked in. In my personal moments when I enjoyed my own body and was pleasuring myself, I was always thinking of ways Mr. Red would tear me to peices in terribly intense sexual ways. Just the way I like it. Yet after all of this, I would go to sleep next to my husband and adore the hell out of him. Confusion, desire, guilt, excitement, and a life that I felt like I had no control of.

Still happening at this very moment.

 

 

No Reason…I think.

I’m not going to pretend that I don’t know why I started this blog. I know exactly why. But…..I really don’t feel like getting into it yet. The fact of the matter is, I thought a blog would be a good outlet for me to release some thoughts that I know I can be more honest about via my fingers rather than my mouth. Also, I find that the world wide web is sometimes a lot more forgiving because, believe it or not, I do think that people are more honest when they can’t be seen. The thing with people when you talk to them face to face is that they fear judgement. Or at least I do–depending on who I’m talking to. It’s much easier to send an email, or a text, or write about it than to actually tell someone to their face how you feel. The world is a crazy place. How did they ever get along without these outlets of release? I’m sure there was certainly better communication back then. Less fighting. Less divorce.

Sometimes I feel like when I set my fingers down to type, there’s so much I feel like saying, I feel like I could over-flow. I want you guys to know everything about me all at once, yet I don’t want to scare you away either. There are a lot of things that I’ll let you in about. Slowly, I guess. But I promise to be honest with you, because I do admit that most of the time I find it easy to tell a little white lie when I’m shooting the shit with someone. It’s easy, and sometimes you don’t even know it happens. Everyone does it. Well I want to give you guys the respect of being honest, and telling you my thoughts and feelings as they are, no matter how strange or backwards they might be. I bet that some of the things that I’ll end up sharing are things that a lot of you share with me at the same time. You might be surprised with how you can relate.

I am so much of a woman sometimes I feel like I can’t handle myself. It seems like I think about sex almost all of the time. At least something of a sexual or lustful nature. I love to flirt. I love to feel that high and the rush of endorphins through my veins when someone tells me something that is right on the borderline of not being okay. I’m married. I have a wonderful husband. You’ll find out that even though I’m married I still have intense desires to fly beyond my nest. Not to actually land in anyone else’s nest, so-to-speak….but to test the waters, feel the feelings, and think about someone different when I enjoy myself alone. I don’t think I’m alone. I think that a lot of women do the same as me. Having a husband is a fantastic thing. I honestly don’t have any harsh or negative feelings towards him at all. Things between him and I are very…..well, routine, but they have been that way for a while. We have a child together, and they say that once you have a child together things between a couple get put on the back burner. That is so very, very true. We make love so infrequently. Perhaps it’s my birth control that’s not giving me the sexual desire to do the act at the end of the day—or maybe it’s just that I see him differently now and I can’t bring myself to lay with him as easily as I used to. Don’t get me wrong, I love him with all of my heart, and I respect him. But there is a massive part of me that is not filled. The wild, passionate, tearing, dirty, lustful, mean, and awful sexual part of myself. He has not seen it. I’m not sure if he will. I know that you all will hear plenty about it. And I’m confident that some of you will relate with me.